my version of Yin Yang or something like that

Still in Chicago, still need a vacation, still getting older, more paranoid but hopefully smarter and wiser. I consider myself a well rounded, even tempered person most of the time. I may get angry, but chances are I will think before I speak, and end up giving you a speech on why something happened that I did not like but it was probably for the best. I hate myself most at those times. I mean – why do I need to justify why things happens beyond my control and try to make peace with them? Well, that is who I am, and if that annoys you – be aware, I annoy myself as well.

Examples? Sure, why not?

One – I have the flu, have had the stomach flu for about 4 days now and am so grumpy. I mean – take a look at my blog, I love food. I take pictures of food I have in restaurants that are new to me and share them with friends and family on Facebook. So a stomach flu puts a damper on things. I can eat, and continue trying. And end up in the bathroom at inconvenient times. Yes, my drive to my work location in Chicago was awesome today. (insert sarcastic look here) But I have already tried to put an optimistic spin on it – without working out or dieting, I lost a few pounds. Yes, I look heinous – tired and hungry – but it was probably time for me to appreciate the fact that I eat well most the time. See, always looking for that optimistic spin. And as a coworker mentioned today – I am lucky, some people wished they could eat but can’t afford it. And so I added guilt to my list of symptoms.

Two – This month sucks for finances. It just does and nothing I can do about it. Yes, I could actually consider a sugar daddy but that seems pathetic at age 40, and I do adore my boyfriend. My car is on the edge of ruin, but (warning, positive spin) it is so close to being paid off. Which means the repairs to it cost more than it is worth, but I am determined to pay it off someday. Also my daughter is a senior in high school which means her book fees and senior pictures hit the checkbook this month as well. And any college applications she decides to send in – BUT ( big positive bright spots coming!!!!) Her dad, my ex is active in her life and pays half of these expenses. More? A family member is a fabulous photographer and did an amazing job with her senior pictures. I cried ( not like me) when I saw them and decided – I will go broke getting all the ones I think should be framed all over the house. I am sure every parent thinks their child or children are beautiful – but I was in awe. I actually wondered – did I give birth to her? Is it possible that someone far more attractive was actually her mother, and I just lucked into raising her? The cost of things this month just became less stressful. One day she will be on her own, and I won’t think about the expenses, I will just wish I was taking care of her again.

Three – Co parenting after a divorce is hard. But it gets better. The guilt of having your marriage fail and how it affects your kid haunts you for a long time maybe forever. I see examples of parents who divorced and remarried others and are able to be in the same room and even talk without an obvious tension – and think- I want that! When do we get “there”? I don’t know but I know we both do what we can to be there for her. And (bright spot) you may even have moments where she is voted Homecoming Queen at high school and feel a rare moment of being on the same page – being happy at the same moment, at the same thing, knowing the one thing you did together was her and that surpasses all the mess.

Four – Being on the road, missing those I love and feeling like my life is so unorganized. But I do have a job, I get to travel for it and I have people that help me because they love me. Now – the dogs that are tearing up my house – well, they seem to be pissed that I am gone so much but I have to assume they do it because they miss me. pathetic, can’t even stay mad at the dogs…

Five – I have a Love / Hate relationship  with the notion of romantic relationships or being “in love”. It is a miserable thing for someone like me, to have a romantic brain when it comes to others but to be so negative when it comes to really thinking in terms of forever for myself. I can easily see and experience the highs of being in love – but I do have a sense of wondering – when do the good times end? What happens then? Can I plan for that – prep myself for the inevitable? Much like everything else – I balance it with humor. The very patient boyfriend plays along with my musings  – of course we would arrange playdates for our dogs, and still talk about work stuff – and go for road trips. Who else would we do that with? It is easier for me to plan for disaster, then plan on happiness.

But I am getting better. After all – much like traveling someplace new – you either take the risk and go big or stay home. And I choose to take the risk.

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