Disclaimer – while I am normally very festive and yes, if my appetite is good – jolly even around this time of year, I fear this will be not so festive, jolly or even enlightening. You have been warned. And while I look at how many people may read my blog, the truth is – this is for me.
I’m trying, I really am – but I fear I may be turning into the Grinch, but less funny than the Jim Carrey version. Yep, still in Oakbrook Terrace, IL. It’s not you Oakbrook, it’s me. Well, not so much me but a series of events and decisions by others that have me in a state of limbo, unease and desperately missing home. I love this time of year, I am normally getting home, lighting candles, heating up apple cider ( with a splash of cinnamon vodka, perhaps) and planning what fabulous treats to make for others. I am likely also cuddling with a dog or two on the couch, by the Christmas tree and watching White Christmas for the 900th time.
but each weekend home has become a race between me, the clock, the laundry, the grocery store and the guilt of not being able to be there for certain family and friends that I would love to be there more for. A question of which holiday events will I miss, who will I disappoint and how often do I say “I’m sorry I can’t do it all”. The fear I am losing touch with what is important for things that may not happen for all my efforts and sacrifice. And I don’t mean to sound so pathetic and whiny – as I know others who struggle with more. Friends and family that have lost parents,kids or are going thru medical challenges where every day is a gift. I know that – it is a gift- just one I would like to open more at home.
I struggle daily when a guest complains that their room type is not exactly as they reserved it or what they wanted for breakfast was not on the free buffet. There is a little angry woman inside me – who yells – seriously! That is what you are focused on!!?? I quiet that little angry woman inside – I tell her, “They have no idea how much you miss your family, and that you would sleep in a closet if you could be home”. Guests are not my problem – I remind myself that they are someone’s family and I may be the only one they can complain to about anything at that moment.
The truth is – I need a break, some serious family time and maybe a good cry. Yuck, I hate crying. And I have the worst cry face ever. Perhaps I need to watch The Color Purple, and just be happy I’m not Celie. Or Gone With the Wind, after all – Tomorrow is another day.